


Sanosh

by Divine_shot



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Alien Biology, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Beta by myself, Humor, M/M, Miscommunication, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Sarek has patience of a saint, Sex Shop AU, Sex Toys, Spock and Michael both attend the VSA, Sybok is a good brother, Sybok owns a sex shop, Takes place in TOS but pre series, Vulcan is a lot less xenophobic, compared to the movies and novels
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-08
Updated: 2018-09-08
Packaged: 2019-07-07 10:57:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15906888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Divine_shot/pseuds/Divine_shot
Summary: S’chn T’gai Sybok builds, establish, and runs a sex shop with the help of his three siblings.





	Sanosh

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know how to do those groovy 'hover over words and you get Vulcan translations' so here are the translations:
> 
> Ha: Yes  
> lkap’uh t’du ru’lut: Shut your mouth  
> Sanu ko-kai: Please sister  
> Flutash: Placenta  
> Ponfo mirann: Vulcan swear word.  
> The title itself means pleasure
> 
> Honest question: Is this considered crack treated seriously? I used the help of a machine to edit/fix this as best as possible. I don't have a beta yet so if you see any mistakes let me know and I will try to fix them to the best of my ability. 
> 
> Today is also the anniversary of the first episode of TOS so happy ST.

“Leo you taking us on a quest to get dragon dildos?” McCoy huffs and rolls his eyes at Gary’s out of date lame joke while Jim laughed next to them. Here they are using their leave time searching for a mysterious hidden sex shop that may or may not exist.

This madness started when Starfleet forced all the members from the USS Farragut back on Terra until further notice due to an incident that resulted in half of the crew along with the captain dead. Leonard McCoy and Gary Mitchell dragged their friend James Kirk, who in self-condemnation blamed himself, away from his stifling apartment for a boy’s night out.

After putting on a pair of jeans, a gray tee shirt, and a brown jacket, Jim lets them drag him all over San Francisco; stopping to buy bottles and cases of booze. Bounty in hand, they ordered a pizza and drank at the apartment. Discussing good times, events at the academy, and their futures. Jim avoid any topic related to Starfleet, not sure about his future and still a sore spot. 

Gary suggested the  _good idea_  of exploring the deep web. Jim, too buzzed to think properly and usually going along with his friend’s schemes, agreed. The three of them huddled against the back of his couch as Jim installed Tor and set up programs on his PADD along with a different private IP.

Besides scary gore vids, underage Risa porn, and illegal Klingon weapon shops it was a hilarious, if not sordid affair. Jim went to get a glass of water to sober up a bit, coming back to see his two friends conversing about a weird website they discovered in  _Vuhlkansu_.

“Jimmy you think you can read this?” Gary pushed him the PADD with the alien script. Jim nodded; taking his place back on the floor. He sipped on his water and attempt to the best of his ability to translate it to standard.

“It’s a sex shop. The name of it is ' _ Flutash,' _  or placenta. I think.” McCoy and Gary gawk and sputter like worn ancient cars. Gary manages to get out ‘are you serious Jimmy,’ while McCoy grumbles what sounds like 'Good god why.' Jim gives them a half fond smile. “Seriously that’s what it says. I know it's the strangest name for a store I've heard too.”

Gary ends up on the floor; rolling with laughter. He’s holding his sides, getting hysterical in between wheezes. McCoy shuts his mouth with a snap and turns his expression as neutral as possible. Jim continues to scroll down the home page, his eyebrows going higher and higher when he clicked and scanned descriptions of the product section. 

Jim reads off the items featured. “Ear point clasps, something about ridge simulators, vibrating finger nodes and anal beads?” He squints then does a double take. Jim isn't a vanilla type of guy but he's never seen this before. “Bones. What the hell is this?” He gestures towards a lewd picture on his PADD screen that's showcasing a bizarre toy. “I can’t even figure out how you would use that. Does it go in your…?”

They heard in a distant Gary gagging in the bathroom. McCoy mumbling, “I told the idiot that if he kept laughing too hard he would end up there.” He sighs and glances over at Jim's PADD. "Jim boy that looks like one of those anal sphincter spreaders that they use for medical purposes." Jim's mouth drops open and McCoy shrugs his shoulders. "I think."

They continue, going where no human has gone before. After twenty minutes of surreal sexual toys and reading Vulcan, Jim has had enough. McCoy grumbles something about scientific curiosity and 'I never knew hobgoblins were that perverted,' that he politely ignores as he turns off the PADD and puts it away.

The blond, with a duvet and blankets, goes to sleep on the floor while McCoy takes the couch. Turning the lights to 20%, he hears Gary stumble out of the bathroom finally while he is drifting off. He joins Jim on the floor with his own blanket and a glass of water after a minute or so. There's silence and Jim is half sleep when his friend whispers, “Jimmy. You want to go to that sex shop?”

Cue present time, with Jim regretting everything. “It’s really hot here. I’m wearing only a tank top and shorts and it’s not enough.”

“Jim boy it’s hotter than satan’s balls on Vulcan. I’m not sure how the hobgoblins don’t sweat. Bad enough we are looking for this damn sex shop that's an urban legend.”

“Jimmy do you even know where the hell you are leading us?” Gary cuts in. “We took the shuttle in Shi’Kahr out to ass nowhere and now we are walking through the sands where these beasts called le-matya live.” Jim is impressed that his friend managed to not butcher the word.

“It’s a few more miles towards the shop I believe.” Jim wraps a scarf around his head he took out of his bag, thankful that Bones gave them all an tri-ox hypospray before going on this ‘fantastic voyage.’ Gary bringing up his lack of navigational skills is a personal blow that he pushes to the back of his mind. His friend didn’t mean it like that.

It’s another ten to twenty minutes of walking, random conversations here and there. Jim’s shirt is sticking to his body and his other two friends are not fairing much better when they finally reach a set of hills along with a cave. There's nothing; no city, no building, not even an animal. Red sand along with humid hot air.

“What the fuck.” Gary growled. “Did we walk all this way for nothing.”

“No you idiot look.” McCoy approached the cave and pointed towards the entrance, written in Vulcan. "This is probably it."

“Well Jimmy since you’re our resident genius navigate.” Jim rolled his eyes at Gary’s comment but indeed went to the front and guided them through the cave. They had to turn on their comm units to see the directions, all written in various kinds of Golic. Thankfully Jim learned most manners and scripts of Vulcan while he attended the Academy.

The three had to do a double take when the finally reached the end. There in the middle is a doorway along with more Vulcan drawn on it in red paint. When they approached, the doors open easily with a whoosh; giving them a breeze of cool, ventilated air.

McCoy whistled. “Well I be damn it is a sex shop." It's a small alcove with toys from all over the galaxy littering the walls and cases. Antenna simulators, piercings, clamps, vibrators of all kinds. Against the back along the side next to the vibrators is a black curtain like the holo vids of old, with something that vaguely said ‘NC-17 standard.’

While McCoy and Gary explored, mostly reading the toys and appreciating the Onahole types, Jim’s feet lead him towards the other end of the shop in curiosity. He passes various blow up dolls along with undergarments before finally stopping near a laminated glass counter that he assumed is the check out desk. "Of course." Jim mumbled. "There's a damn Vulcan there in a chair with the condoms and such."

He's ramrod straight as the norm; one elbow on the glass with his hand hanging off, the other holding a PADD. It's the most casual Vulcan Jim's ever seen, as if he's bored. That's impossible. Vulcans don't get bored.

Jim took in his appearance. Mr. Vulcan is wearing a casual dark blue robe with script on the side under a lab coat. His hair is shiny and glossy in the artificial lighting, in the shape of a bowl cut, but Jim spots a braid tied and looped around a shoulder. There’s a sudden urge to get his hands on that hair and Jim stops that train of thought, mentally slapping himself. ‘Kirk what is wrong with you? I swing both ways but this is a Vulcan. They are not interested in casual flings.’ A small voice inside of him whispered that Vulcans don't run sex shops either so anything is possible.  


The Vulcan notices him approaching and Jim licks his lips when he raises his head barely. ‘Chocolate eyes. Wow. Ok I might be a bit smitten. That's because I haven't slept with anyone in a while. Months ago. A long time.’ 

Mr. Vulcan gives him a raised eyebrow.  _"Ha?"_

That rich voice from that one syllable makes Jim's tongue stuck to his mouth for the first time in years. 'Damn' His hands are sweating and his brain went out to lunch. Jim breaths, speaking in Vulcan back because by god he's not going to flub this up.  _“Do you own this shop?”_

 _“Negative. This establishment is own and provided by my brother Sybok.”_ 

_“But you work here?”_

_ “Yes. I work here while attending the VSA. If you need further assistance you may inquire.” _  Mr. Vulcan considers the matter closed and goes back to his PADD.

‘It was a long shot. Doesn't stop my ego from hurting.’ Normally he can swagger, flirt, and seduce just about anyone he desires, or at least give a sport. Jim never tried it against a Vulcan. It's not impossible. ‘I'm nervous for some reason.’ He felt like a teenager all over again. Jim worms his bottom lip between his teeth, inhales and attempts to strike up a conversation again.

“Do you think you can help me pick out a sex toy similar to a Vulcan penis?” Jim said in standard.

He mentally cursed as Mr. Vulcan slowly moves his gaze up, his eyebrow raised so high that it almost vanishes into his bangs. “No. I mean could you give me a recommendation for a new dildo. Wait. I didn’t come here specifically for that. My friends dragged me here.” The more he said the worse it became and Jim wondered how far he would fall down the rabbit hole before he ruined himself.

The Vulcan scooted his chair back from the counter, put down his PADD, and went around. Now that Jim took him in he’s pretty tall. Hands behind him, he walked and Jim followed; admiring how his braid reached the center of his back and that plush ass visible behind that lab coat-

No Jim. No.

Mr. Vulcan stops near the ‘NC-17 standard’ curtain and picks up a package. “57.6% of Vulcan sexual objects for anal coitus are made off site after receiving a customer’s inquiry. 42.4% can only used by Vulcans themselves.” Mr. Vulcan place in Jim's hands, without touching his fingers, what appeared to be a sexual ring that goes around a penis.

“Normally, Vulcan anatomy is a private matter among my people. Humans rarely frequent this establishment. There are no cases of a human making a personal order. Ever. I will make an exception for you only once.”

Jim's eyes widen in shock and confusion. ‘Is he saying I can order a Vulcan dildo?’ He wants to clear up the misunderstand, to tell him that’s not why he came here, that his intention is to not buy a sex toy. That he's talking to this Vulcan because he's interested and feels like he seen him before. What came out his mouth is the exact opposite. “Thank you.”

Red faced and uncomfortable, Jim stood there as Mr. Vulcan processed his order; the sex ring in full view on the counter. He answered weird vague questions, Mr. Vulcan sounding almost clinical. Jim answered them all clear and precise despite his heart racing and nerves in his stomach. 'Where is Bones and Gary? I want to get out of here already and hide in shame.' If either of them gets wind that he bought a Vulcan dildo he wouldn't hear the end of it.

It’s not until Jim finishes paying for it and he's five thousand credits lighter that the two join at the counter. Gary being his usual self has handfuls of vid chips and cards with a delight expression along with a giant bottle of lubrication.  “Jimmy you have to see this. I found lots of illegal holo vids in this shop! None of that crappy shit from X-holo!”

McCoy shook his head; in his hands a couple of holo chip vids and magazines. “Don’t worry it’s nothing that illegal. I do find it odd that there is no holo vids of Vulcans doing the horizontal limbo in this shop. We found Orion porn, Klingon snuff weird shit, Romulan, Gorn, and even Caitian on Andorian sex.”

“Vulcans are private when it comes to any matters of coitus. It is rare if my people engage in ‘holo vid recordings’ of pornographic material and many find it illogical unless it is for a scientific matter. Any that do exist get confined and restricted to Vulcan access only, including internet space waves. You are better off, what is the Terran idiom,  _finding a needle in a haystack_ .” Mr. Vulcan said deadpan,  PADD in front of him with a blank expression like he wasn't intruding into their conversation. 

McCoy calmly put down his items and turned his head, holding back a laugh. Gary seemed to be crossed between annoyed and angry. They say nothing as he rings up their orders quickly. While Gary and McCoy are already sprinting back towards the door, Jim turns to see Mr. Vulcan not focused on his PADD, giving him the Ta’al. Jim returns the gesture, ignoring how he wants to go back over there and brush his fingers against the Vulcan.

* * *

 

Spock arrives at his place of residence at 0400. His normal day is working at the science department of the VSA from 1100 to 1800, breaking evening meal with his family, then working at the shop from 2200 to morning. It is not a burden to work odd hours for the sake of his sibling since Vulcans require less sleep than other species and he had the weekends off for more time at the labs and recreational work.

Satchel in hand, Spock meets his brother Sybok by the doorway, wearing a ridiculous Terran outfit of a long sleeve purple stripped shirt that says 'Beastie Boys' and jeans. Sybok is an eccentric on their planet. A combination of logic and emotions, Sybok knows how to control himself when the matter comes but loves to ‘tease.’ He’s a good brother when not being illogical.

“Brother!” Sybok has a shy open grin on his face. “How was your day?”

“Satisfactory. Three humans went to the shop today to purchase items. One of them made a custom order.”

“Indeed?” Sybok raised both eyebrows. Spock nodded and reached into his bag to pull out the shop’s personal PADD. Sybok accepts it and ranked his eyes over the receipts. His lips almost pulling into a full grin before he reeled back his emotions at the last-minute. “Fascinating. The human has ordered a toy in the exact modifications of your-”

“Cease speaking.” Michael thankfully interrupts Sybok, entering the room. She is wearing her sleeping robes, bowl cut with one side of bangs longer than the other near her eye. Their youngest sister T’Mai, also in evening wear is behind her. Peering shyly at the two siblings despite Vulcan blankness.

Sybok opens his mouth and Spock knows his brother will say something foolish. “It is illogical to keep such matters closed. T’Mai will work at the shop one day and needs to-” Michael cuts off her brother again by pinching him harshly on the ear. “OW!  _Sanu_   _ko-kai_!”

_“lkap’uh t’du ru’lut!”_

Spock internally sighs and excuse himself. If he had less control he would laugh at his human sister saying  _ Ponfo mirann _ , bringing their very Vulcan older sibling crying to his knees. Going up the stairs, others voices reached his ears: his now awake mother fussing, T'Mai's gentle accusations of their brother being illogical, and the low displeased mummer of his father claiming that his family succumbed to madness. 

Spock puts his bag on his chair once he enters his room. He yawns, thinking of the fascinating human with curly soft hair and brown eyes. 'A human bought a phallus.' Terrans on occasion find his brother's shop; either on a whim or inquisitiveness. Spock finds it fascinating and amusing when they glance around and see a Vulcan maining the shop. In this case, the one called James T. Kirk, ordering a sexual gratification phallus similar to his own brought on unwanted feelings and emotions he can not decipher and would not admit. 

Spock decides to meditate as soon as possible about the matter. Changing into his own sleeping robe, he slips into bed. 


End file.
